Recently, famed gay Canadian filmmaker (and plutonic man companion of THE Kevin Smith) Malcolm Ingram called me a “Hipster Doofus” because I wrote a micro-screed regarding vinyl obsessives on Facebook. He rightly mentioned that I had a close-up Lomofied picture of my hand holding a cassette of Guided By Voices “Bee Thousand” as a Facebook profile photo. Here’s the exchange…

“Call me crazy, but I think Vinyl obsession (unless you are a DJ) is stupid. I grew up on albums, then transitioned to cassettes, and finally to CDs for traditional physical audio formats of media. Just within the last five years did I make the jump to MP3s, Data Discs, streaming, and now the mighty modern music God that is Spotify. Records are warm and all, but they aren’t that convenient. I’m just waiting for some Jack White Hipster type to ressurect 8-Tracks…”

Malcolm replied: “Yo! Hipster doofus with the Bee Thousand cassette tape profile photo. eat dick!”

This led to a rather humorous exchange where one of my friends jumped in the social commenting fray to get my back and called Malcolm (knowing nothing about his sexual preference) a “homophobe”. But I was not offended by this very gregarious Grindr goofball’s online trash talking. He’s notorious for it. And I felt kinda flattered that he cared enough to start some good-natured shit on my page. But he had one thing as frighteningly incorrect as my friend calling him a homophobe…

First off, Malcolm might need to clear his browser cache as I’m rocking a Creepy Wonka meme screensnag for my current profile pic. Secondly. I AM NOT A HIPSTER.

Just because I wear fairly-expensive prescription Ray-Bans and really, really, REALLY love Guided By Voices does NOT make me a Hipster. Hip, maybe, but Hipster? ABSOLUTELY not. I’ve tried to be a Hipster to no avail. There are five critical components that define the key criteria to being a Hipster that I don’t meet…

I don’t own ANY Apple products:

My current phone is a Sony Xperia X10, which is an Android phone, and an awesome one at that. I was rocking 8 megapixels many months before you Apple freaks finally got it on the iPhone. The only thing that sucks about it is fucking ATT won’t release the 2.3 software download of Android in the states yet. The laptop that I share with my wife is a Toshiba, and I don’t have a tablet yet. My wifey has a Kindle. That’s the closet thing we have to tablet computing at this point…

I’m not on Instagram:

I would be rocking da shiznit outta Instagram right now if I could, but my previously mentioned outdated fucking Android platform courtesy of ATT is cockblocking my ability to unleash flawless photographic pageantry upon the lomo-loving masses…

I don’t wear tight-ass yeast infecton jeans:

Being a child of the Hip-Hop generation, I try to keeps it relatively baggy (not saggy, there is a difference).

I actually think there might be an unwritten rule in the Hipster Handbook that would prevent me from offically being considered a Hipster. I think even if I got down to my target weight of 190 - 200 lbs, to legitimately be a Hipster dude, I can’t tip the 150 lb mark regardless of height. This is also referred to as the “Jesse Camp” rule…

I live in NASHVILLE (not Brooklyn, Portland, LA, Austin, Seattle, etc.):

I’m from the state that brought you “Don’t Say Gay”, the “Monkey Bill”, and Montgomery-Gentry. All the Hipsters in The Gulch ain’t from round these here parts. They moved here from other Hipster hotbeds to get more bang for their buck in Music City. And you don’t even want to see the REAL East Nashvillians. You’ll shit your pants from fear…

I have neither supportive parents nor a college education:

All Hipsters have at LEAST a Bachelor’s Degree and/or affluent parents to afford their groovy lifestyles of Foursquare sushi joint check-ins, exorbitant bar tabs, and gentrified condominium payments. These are also the earliest of technological adopters who camp-out in front of The Apple Store for the supposed latest and greatest Foxxconn manufactured gizmos, wiped squeaky clean of Chinese sweat and tears.

In closing, I’ve tried painfully to be considered hip (you should have seen my Tower Records receipts), but I’m not a Hipster. I’m just a grown-ass Android toting family man trying to make his way in the world with a GED and his dreams. I am actually trying to join the ranks of the more educated by enrolling in a relatively cheap state school to pursue a much needed Marketing Degree. Even still, some will look down on me because I refuse to suck Pitchfork Media’s dick and proclaim shitty bands like Animal Collective to be the new Beatles.

That being said, I was telling everybody in the world who could hear my voice a few years ago that Fun was instantly legendary based on their 2009 debut album “Aim and Ignite”. Now “WE ARE YOUNG” has become the anthem of a generation and made Fun one of the biggest and most important bands in the world.

Now THAT’S what I call “hip”.

I would love to hear The Black Keys cover the SHIZNIT out of Queens of the Stone Age’s, “Burn the Witch”. If they did it right, it COULD be fucking phenomenal. That main riff is 110% BLUES POWER.